Naked truth .. i am not happy ..

I love mondays ...
hahhh yeah right.... only bec it would mean its closer to the end of my internship !!!
I cant wait to go Hong Kong (but Kayboon is suggesting that we join him at Shang Hai) !!!
However its saddening that typically -- everybody bang seh us..
soo it looks like its me and robin again ... ;p
ahh welll... I dunoe if I will enjoy going overseas with him .. after Europe ;p
He just gets soo up-tight about being in a foreign environment.


The MRT was crazily packed again today and I found myself squashed diagonally bewteen a leary looking old man, a fat inconsiderate aunty( who kept poking her bag into my ribs), a weird looking guy with BO and someone i cant see behind me.. urgh!!!
I hate the morning crowd, i hate coming into close proximity with people i wouldnt even come within 5 m of in normal circumstances.
With no space to read a book, we are all forced to look preoccupied and try not to look at each other's eyes.... and make a slow and painful count down until we reach our stop. ;p
Can imagine how it will be like traveling to school everyday in the morning.. ~sighz


Anywazz.. my head have been sooo F* up recently...
too much things to think about... the relationship..
I realised that our views about life and how a relationship should unfold seem to be different.
I guessed it never occurred to us when we are very happy with no issues at hand
but whenever an issue pops up, no matter how small, there will be disagreements
althou in the end one party might give in.. there will be unhappiness harboured


But what abt now.. when it involves something more close at hand??
Individual freedom..
who will be willing to give in??
Should a couple be given space to grow on their own??
Do i have to tell him everything that i want to do.
Do I have to consider him in all my decisions..


A simple thing like when i just mentioned to him that i wana go backpack with simin.. maybe to south america.. and we can check out the nudist beach..
and he goes.. WHAT without me!!..
apparently he expects me to want to travel everywhere with him..
to do everything with him...
to want to spend all my time with him...


Then he goes on abt how he seems to be the one putting effort in the relationship
and i dnt make him happy when he needs me the most
and he doesnt feature in any of my plans


I tried to use logic and go like..if u dont feature in my future, do u think i wana plan my timetable with you, to bid lessons with you, to wana go HK with u .. >>
and he said - thats not it, you dnt even wana spend saturday nights with me. And you wana go Muay Thai and you wana chiong and you wana go out with your friends.. where am I ??
>> and i go like I tot i see a lifetime with you.. why are bothered about the little things now..
and he said the little things are what matter...
and I dnt see your future with me inside... i tried ... but i dnt..
and he goes.. would you be better off being single >>


.. no respons from me..
bec i really dnt noe...
its scary when after you have committed yourself to spending the rest of your life with someone
suddenly... you are faced with the possibility of that not happening anymore.
Of an uncertain path...
Im not sure if i wana take that path...


Somehow. We are so different in terms of views .. he is so conservative, so law abiding. He likes to judge people easily based on the surface facts.
Simple things like:: if i say like i wana get a tatoo ... and you can see his face change..he thinks tatoos are for "bad people" .. oh gosh.. which century are we living in???


And today..i woke and found love bites on my neck. WTF, i need to go to the office !!! I specifically said already... i do not like to have visible love bites... it seems like im branded.. soo degrading... and what if my boss sees them.. ill be damn paiseh...
He said sorry .. spur of the moment.. but its like .. he does not respect me enuf...
its something very fundamental right???


I dnt noe.. am i not seeing the big picture clearly or the small picture or whatever...
i dnt noe abt how this relationship will go
i dnt even noe if i wana spend the rest of my life with him liao
i need some time to think .. to find in myself what are my true feelings for him..
now there is just too much external stimuli .. work stress and other distractions like vivace...


gg to have lunch with him later...
but it seems pointless to talk through things any more .. bec he always dwell on the same things..and they do not get resolve..
because we are both not backing dwn from our stands..
a standstill... static... unmoving... lodged in the chasm of a crack in our relationship


Almost like a western movie.. a shootout at noon
*du du du du du ... du du du *
Silhouette against the sultry sun .. arms bended in readiness…
The last man standing....