oh bitter heart.. why do you bleed

Im sick of all these he says
you are squeezing me outa your life
no matter how hard i try
i just get indifference
I no longer look forward to see you
if you were my friend .. i wont even look you up
are you trying to slowly kill me
to force me to break up with you..


So do you still love me i ask
he says he is doesnt feel anything ..
he feels empty..
he is bitter...


a run along rosy route that turned into a long long walk
silence..
i couldnt think of what to say
my mind was a blank
empty .. of words... of emotions


am i indifferent to him
am i not happy to be with him anymore
am i treating him badly
ignoring his efforts to be a better
do i still love him


silence..
he taunts me to reply
my mind is still a blank
say something, i tell myself
there has to be an end
to be a conclusion here


but what do i want the ending to be
do i walk away and leave all this behind
do i ask for forgiveness


The choices in life that we are forced to make
why is life soo cruel


in the end i decided to do what is expected
to ask for forgiveness
to ask for time to change
to ask to wait till the hk trip is over
before we decided if we are fated to be


maybe a few days alone together could hep sort things out
maybe it will help put our relationship into perspective
the litmus test .. such pressure on a simple trip
meant for leisure


maybe
alot of maybes
one day the maybes will run out
what will be left of me


does he truly love me
or have i already turned his heart into stone
a bitter heart ..
a cold cold heart..
no longer will he bleed for me then
is that what i want ...


what do i want


my heart refuses to answer


fuck u
my heart says
you never listened to me anywaz..

I wana be lost.. to float alone free

*bliss*
did PPT the whole day..
the theme was >> laundry
made bubbles bubbling up the screen with sound clips
perfection in animation...
I wish i can make lots of $$ outa doing powerpoints.. ;p


Life has not been good..
i swear im getting fat..
cant stop myself from eating :(
miss the days when i have the discilpline to eat like a rabbit..
maybe ill try more drastic measures when i stop working..
more time to exercise everyday and away from evilll food..
i think a huge problem is bec i eat with guys...
i eat normal portions.. sometimes more...
~joel always tempt me with deserts ... ;p


im sure the next 2 weeks till the end of my internship will fly by
~like a jetplane .. *sonic hopefully.. soo fast that i cant hear it*
maybe ill wake up one morning and go... *hi... what day isit today?..
ohh its a monday ... and im here-- sunning my big fat butt in my bed*
~with the sun climbing soo high that the morning had gotten tired of waiting for me
leaving in disgust .. with only the afternoon to glare down at my sheepish face..
okie... i am balbbering.... *falls dwn to earth*


Hmm how come i am surrounded by soo many depressed guys??
What isit about life that is soo sianzz?
look on the bright side..
even if u have to craw outa ur shell, outa the ground and under that rock to see it
there is always more to life
i love life ..
and i wana live it to the fullest
i wana have no regrets .. to live for myself
and myself only
BUT in a society where humans have to interact
there are cumbersome things like social ties--
responsibility to ur partner, accountability to ur parents and repect for the law...


even thou we talk about right of individual freedom..
we are still bounded by soo many responsibilities to fulfill..
have the society evolved all these years only to have more and more societal rules weighting us down...?
If soo i would rather be back in ancient times..
wearing just animal skins
--*not bec they are in fashion* but no more a slave of fashion i will become.. i can wearing clashing prints ( leopard over zebra maybe) for all i care..*
or if i fancy i can prance ard naked.. thou i suspect it gets pretty cold out there in the wild..
I will be a mini Zena warrior and spend my time roaming ard ..
knocking cute Hercules types on the head and dragging them back to my cave..
no rules of courting.. just 3 simple steps--
swing, pull and rut and thankyou very much...
hmm here i go again


--soo many news recently --
but i just cant get myself to blog..
i think if i put my real feelings about my current state of affairs down, they will become a fact..
i dnt think i wana see them in balck and white
running away from my heart i am
but i have always been an escapists
i do not have the need for the real world now....


simin tempted me with a proposal to go exchange together ..
i think that seems just like what i need
an opportunity to get away and know myself better
i have this niggling feeling that i noe myself well enough
and my heart even better
but i suspect maybe what my brain comprehends is soo bad that it decided to shut me away from me ..
trauma induced mental block they call it


*yeah.. crap*


okie.. news flash -- the period of FuDa (u can guess lah who lah ) is over!!
-- they have broke up ..
a witness spotted her holding hands with another guy.. all lovey dovey
soo .. the hubby wunny honey tubby phase is over huh .. *snigger*
darn .. they soo deserve one another
2 suffering (delusional to say the least) fools who are only good for each other...
am i mean?? i noe im mean .. do u think im mean ?? hahahah


Anywazz so many things happened the past few days ..
Momo then DblO then Momo again..
in a moment of weakness ( i wasnt that drunk yet ;p) i got cajoled by a pushy model to take part in the Miss Tropicana (*rolls eyes* how cheesy) competition at Momo.. the freebies look good .. but i dnt tink i will go for the actual event ..cant imagine myself parading in a beach dress in front of a crowd...
maybe if i get drunk enough...
or if i can get some plastic surgery done for free...
or if the lights are dark enough..
or if they give me a million bucks (thats out..i dnt even think the prize $$ is half as much)
.... you get the idea......


saw The island and Sincity ...
SIncity was way cool...flim nior type.. abit of a comedy too..
its like a parody of the detective movies of the 50s ??
~where the characters do alot of their own narration...with cheesy lines and exeggerated actions
Jessica Alba is hot as usual yes yes *i can hear all the guys sighing in unison whenevr she comes onscreen*.. ;p
but to mi she has a very plain face.. soo unless she really flaunts her body ... she will not be a stunner to mi ;p


Scarlett Johanson on the other hand is damn hot ..
her lips are soo plush .. even i feel like kisiing them... wheew.... she looks damn sultry on the 8days cover...even better than the ugly FHM model ;p
BUT of course Ewan is still the cutest.. he looks older.. but still cute...nice lean *okey skinny* body ;)
i think its the accent .. makes me wana french the hell outa him.. yummy


--we had another "discussion" --
.. not 1 but 2 in the span of 4 days!!!
soo mentally tiring
so emotionally confusing
i think he has no one to vent his fustrations on..
soo he cao beh to me.. even thou i am the source of some of his fustrations
soo in the end he is cao behing abt me to me..
then i get fustrated..
i really really wish he will get more friends ..
he doesnt understand that some things you can only tell ur friends
he thinks im ludicrous for wanting to vent my fustrations in a blog or with a heart to heart wif my gfs ..
I guess im not so hot with this "communication is vital in a realtionship" thing ;p
*express your feelings-- my arse*
They never teach it in school leh..
how ???

Au Lait

ow do you pronounce that ??
*sheepish*
I asked for it at Royce during lunchtime at suntec... and it came out like " aww latte"
but the sales person pronounced someting else really fast i couldnt even catch it but nodz my heads anywazz...
Haha reminds me when i was in Europe >> nobody truly understood what the other was speaking ..but we got along anywazz...
Buying a train tiicket required a large amount of hand waving, mouthing words slowly and nodding...
Ahhh i love the feeling of bumbling around ..feeling slightly lost and having absolutly all the time in the world.
The feeling of walking along the streets of Paris with leaves drifting down ...makes me feel like im in one of those serious art flims .. with solemm music playing in the background>>


Anywas .. the chocolate (aww latte, au lat, ohh let ???) was absoultly divine.....
soo soft and smooth and slightly bitter but with no aftertaste..
yummy and the whole packaging was gorgeous..
i think the japanese really know their packaging, somehow even their hair gel can look soo elegant and enticing..maybe i shd go there on exchange ot learn more about marketing and branding ;p


after working at Kao for some time, i realise i enjoy packing stuff >> i like to make things look attractive.. more than the normal promotional initiatives like thinking about how much discounts to put, whether to the product will sell more in loyalty packs... everyday exercises of selling a product.
I wish i took art and continued into designing :(
I am soo confuse now.. i have no idea what career path i wana take..
Maybe PR .. maybe MR ..maybe just R&R ( be a tai tai )
The only thing im sure of is that i wana have a succeeful career and make lots of $$ ( dnt we all !!)


Haizz..
i am soo brain dead now..
wil go for a long slow jog to clear my head ....

Evil Taxi Companies - The Empire has struck back silently

Late today again :( the run yest really shag mi out
~sadly no rainbow to console me
coped a chocolate from the fridge to make the ride more enjoyable..


absolutly ridiculous taxi driver..
kept asking me which road i wana take
I said take the fastest one ( duh)
he said he doesnt dare to commit ...later sala ....ask mi to choose
WTF -- aii i called for a taxi lor.. im the passenger .. not the driver.
like that must well I drive the cab right??
grrr.... im such a road idiot
~ i dnt noe the PIE from the CTE from the back alley
thus its very fustrating when the taxi drivers are soo ham ji and do not wana take the responsibility of taking the "correct" route.
Oii ..please have some proffesional pride can .. you should noe the roads better than i do.. ;p


Anywaz.. was browsing through my new book on the cab
~happiness
A complilation of the 5 Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy series...
bwahahhaha.... i have always wanted to own them all..
Ken was the one that introduced me to Douglas Adams.. and i am forever grateful .. *prostrate..thankyou thankyou kisss your toes*
I have never been much of a book buyer.. more of a book borrower..*cheapskate lah*
BUt now i find the library stocks pathetic and there is a stronger sense to have books that i really enjoy reading by my side...
I have always had cupboard loads of books at home.. my mom's collection >> then it dawned on mi one day as i contemplated moving out of my home sweet home >> those books do not belong to me .. >> i will have to start my own collection which i can bring with me and share with my kids in futhure>> :)


Thus for the past 2 years i have been adding bit by bit to my book shelve
~now a single shelve .. soon... the whole bookcase !!!
I cant imagine a life without books..
Im particularly geeky in the bookworm sense..
i can eat and read.. walk and read.. shit and eat ..>>err u get the idea
It is my main form of escapeism..
i escape alot ..in that sense im a coward..i cant face the real world without my dose of fiction
i hope i dont seem all that weird to people


Anywazz... more on my buys ::
SHopped for sissy's prezzie yesterday at bugis...
a nice boho chick necklace :: blue beads with fake metal coins type..
and it can act as a belt too .. :)
I noe she has been talking about getting that boho look >> from reading her blog
and i noe its soo hard to attain it .. bec the acccessories costs a bomb..
soo this would be my little contribution
plus i can borrow it when i need it too * evil glint in the eye..wrings hands*


BUT.. im thinking of adding someting else to that prezzie too.. maybe some nice chocolates?? Royce ? or treat her to some nice desert somewhere
but she is soo busy recently..bec of her council.. :( we talked less liao.. and she seems pissed more often.. maybe its teens angst or just PMS ;p


hahah oh yah .. and i havent recieved MY bdae prezzie from her yet ..
duh... it was in May lor..
she said she wana get a few parts .. now she is up to 3.. havent finish getting them all yet..
right....
keep adding to that and hopefully i can get it for my 23rd..or 24th ....hahaha


Went shopping with DL for her bikini the on wednesday .. hahh
Very challenging bec her budget was quite tight ;p
im a roxy fan lah.. soo i dnt get very inspired when i see like 20+ dollars bikinis :(
but.. we did see a nice one. at far east *very retro* ... did u buying it dl??
but i must say .. i envied the ample chest you gained fr US ..hahaha
noo not fr plastic surgery .. * i think* .. more from good old rice and potatoes right :P
hahah
I am soooooo self-conciously flat..sighzzzz...
I blame my mum.. and my kids will blam me tooo :P urgh...vicious cycle of the badly endowed
maybe i shd find a husband who has good genes
before agreeing to marry the guy must first scrutinise his mum's chest .. haha!!!
OMG how pervertic...
and better if he is tall and lean and good looking ~ *okei i can continue dreaming*
The worst thing is im not overall skinny
i wish i was .. like model thin .. then the chest size is justified..
ppl dnt go like :: eww. she is flat chested..
they will go like:: oh..its okie what .. she is soo thin..
its all about relativity right>> ;p


Oh yah i digressed...
while shopping for dl's bikini.. i gave in to temptation and bought 2 !! not 1 but 2 !!
short crop jackets !!!
its a nice new shop ..the guy designs the clothes himself...i will definately go back again..bec ..i got a member card !!! hahhaah*
i think the guy was soo happy he threw in a sequined flower brooch at a discount
haha... hiayah i cannot make it....but they both look sooo nice..
will put a pic of them online when i can ;p
AND i spent more than dl when we are in actual fact shoppoing for her..
faint*


I was never a shopping person..
i guess bec i have always been a fat kid.. i never really like to buy clothes.. i mean..if u look ugly in everything whats the use of buying them right??
somehow while on the Barcelona BSM>> i just got bitten by the shopping bug..
and i have bec uncontrolable ever since :P
robin says i get a glazed look in my eyes when i shop
machiam like possesseed like that.. ;p
maybe i shd go for therapy >>
is there a Singapore Shopping Annonymous out there???


*help*
~waves credit card around desperately~

dreams of wala wala

Yunfeng is CUTER then ever!!!!...*swoon*


There ...i needed to get that off my chest..and put it down in black and white
~even in the hazy gloomy setting of wala wala .. he is even more mesmerizing..


*I dnt think it was the beer*
......i hope

Taurus <3 Taurus

Jaslyn, the best Zodiac Match for your personality is Taurus


Taurus, the Bull (April 21 to May 21): This warmhearted and determined partner is just your type. Initially, a Taurus may catch your eye with a romantic gesture or their penchant for having a good time. But as you get to know them, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Taurean's unwavering devotion and dedication. People born under this sign typically know what they want out of life and stick by the decisions they've made. This devotion to their own truths can make members of this sign seem stubborn or critical at times. However, know that most Taureans are also sentimental types who like to focus on their romantic relationships. In the bedroom, you're apt to find that the Bull is a creative and expressive lover with a high sex drive. It's just another aspect of their vital nature, one that finds pleasure in everyday things and has an eye for beauty.

Naked truth .. i am not happy ..

I love mondays ...
hahhh yeah right.... only bec it would mean its closer to the end of my internship !!!
I cant wait to go Hong Kong (but Kayboon is suggesting that we join him at Shang Hai) !!!
However its saddening that typically -- everybody bang seh us..
soo it looks like its me and robin again ... ;p
ahh welll... I dunoe if I will enjoy going overseas with him .. after Europe ;p
He just gets soo up-tight about being in a foreign environment.


The MRT was crazily packed again today and I found myself squashed diagonally bewteen a leary looking old man, a fat inconsiderate aunty( who kept poking her bag into my ribs), a weird looking guy with BO and someone i cant see behind me.. urgh!!!
I hate the morning crowd, i hate coming into close proximity with people i wouldnt even come within 5 m of in normal circumstances.
With no space to read a book, we are all forced to look preoccupied and try not to look at each other's eyes.... and make a slow and painful count down until we reach our stop. ;p
Can imagine how it will be like traveling to school everyday in the morning.. ~sighz


Anywazz.. my head have been sooo F* up recently...
too much things to think about... the relationship..
I realised that our views about life and how a relationship should unfold seem to be different.
I guessed it never occurred to us when we are very happy with no issues at hand
but whenever an issue pops up, no matter how small, there will be disagreements
althou in the end one party might give in.. there will be unhappiness harboured


But what abt now.. when it involves something more close at hand??
Individual freedom..
who will be willing to give in??
Should a couple be given space to grow on their own??
Do i have to tell him everything that i want to do.
Do I have to consider him in all my decisions..


A simple thing like when i just mentioned to him that i wana go backpack with simin.. maybe to south america.. and we can check out the nudist beach..
and he goes.. WHAT without me!!..
apparently he expects me to want to travel everywhere with him..
to do everything with him...
to want to spend all my time with him...


Then he goes on abt how he seems to be the one putting effort in the relationship
and i dnt make him happy when he needs me the most
and he doesnt feature in any of my plans


I tried to use logic and go like..if u dont feature in my future, do u think i wana plan my timetable with you, to bid lessons with you, to wana go HK with u .. >>
and he said - thats not it, you dnt even wana spend saturday nights with me. And you wana go Muay Thai and you wana chiong and you wana go out with your friends.. where am I ??
>> and i go like I tot i see a lifetime with you.. why are bothered about the little things now..
and he said the little things are what matter...
and I dnt see your future with me inside... i tried ... but i dnt..
and he goes.. would you be better off being single >>


.. no respons from me..
bec i really dnt noe...
its scary when after you have committed yourself to spending the rest of your life with someone
suddenly... you are faced with the possibility of that not happening anymore.
Of an uncertain path...
Im not sure if i wana take that path...


Somehow. We are so different in terms of views .. he is so conservative, so law abiding. He likes to judge people easily based on the surface facts.
Simple things like:: if i say like i wana get a tatoo ... and you can see his face change..he thinks tatoos are for "bad people" .. oh gosh.. which century are we living in???


And today..i woke and found love bites on my neck. WTF, i need to go to the office !!! I specifically said already... i do not like to have visible love bites... it seems like im branded.. soo degrading... and what if my boss sees them.. ill be damn paiseh...
He said sorry .. spur of the moment.. but its like .. he does not respect me enuf...
its something very fundamental right???


I dnt noe.. am i not seeing the big picture clearly or the small picture or whatever...
i dnt noe abt how this relationship will go
i dnt even noe if i wana spend the rest of my life with him liao
i need some time to think .. to find in myself what are my true feelings for him..
now there is just too much external stimuli .. work stress and other distractions like vivace...


gg to have lunch with him later...
but it seems pointless to talk through things any more .. bec he always dwell on the same things..and they do not get resolve..
because we are both not backing dwn from our stands..
a standstill... static... unmoving... lodged in the chasm of a crack in our relationship


Almost like a western movie.. a shootout at noon
*du du du du du ... du du du *
Silhouette against the sultry sun .. arms bended in readiness…
The last man standing....

Ovaltine Overdose.. and gourmet fantasies

Heee..
My drink of the mo :: Ovaltine 3 in 1 ::
Its been a long time since I have last tried it ... way back in Primary school probably..
With a sudden bout of nostalgia i had picked up an ovaltine 3 in 1 pack and bought it on a whimp while grocery shopping with robin.


Hah grocery shopping on a sunday, how domesticated right? I almost feel like one of those young married couples doing their weekly shopping at NTUC-- so typically Singaporean , so predictable.... so mundane.... ;p


But I love grocery shopping, seeing aisles upon aisles of food makes me happy, there is always the urge to grab a trolley and fill it up with goodies. I love browsing at all the delicious looking biscuits and snacks and cooking sauces and wondering if i should buy them to try. Although I usually leave the place empty-handed, I just enjoy imagining myself buying them and how they would taste like...
Sometimes ... when Im feeling rich or greedy I would give in to the temptation ... and the feeling of buying a treat for myself .. fills me up with an inner child-like glee.


The best place to indulge in my grocery fantasies:: Marcs and Spencer. hahh.. The classy packaging makes their food look absolutly to-die-for. Its the whole clean white deco plus lucious looking images of their products. The best thing is that their food is really as good as it looks. Damn ...I feel hungry just thinking about it.


Preparing and eating food can be such a sensual affair, i think we can get as much pleasure from delicious food as from sex.. although many might disagree... but i guess sex is healthier since u get a workout while you just get fat from eating too much rich food ;p
That is why I enjoy wathing Nigela's (not sure if spelt right) cooking show. There is a lazzy sensual attitude towards food, that arouses and awakens one's senses. Although there are accusations of her trying to sex up her show for rating purposes.. i think her detractors are just prudes- lemmings who all jump to agree once a "authoritative" opinion is given- a fallacy quciksand.


It's not like she prances around the kitchen in nothing but an apron..although im sure some viewers wouldnt mind that... I mean first a stripping news reader.. whats next right. She is in fact always modestly covered.. in long sleves tops and floor length skirts....but nothing can hide her "motherly" curves i guess....

In the end its not soo much a cooking show.. its more like a lifestyle program where people like me become voyagers in a gastronomical wet dream....


a huge box of decadently sinful Godiva chocolates or a night of hot sex


...you decide...